How being body shamed by a boyfriend made me love myself even more

Some relationships are like those perfect little houses, surrounded by picket fences.  Perfect from the outside looking in – only after they’ve just been painted with a fresh coat of Sherwin Williams Pure White.

dress (size 14) | bag via KSNY (similar) | shoes

Being with him, we’ll call him Kylo Ren, was like that. In the beginning, he was the perfect gentleman. He took me to the Opera on our second date and everyone seemed to love him.

Everyone that didn’t really love me, that is.

Dust filled the air above the dashboard. Was my leg broken? In the moments that passed, we managed to get outside the smashed black Mercedes. 4 cars and 7 lives collided that day. Countless others in rush hour traffic seemed to pass us by.

“If you hadn’t been in a Mercedes, you might not have survived this,” the officer said as he brushed a bead of sweat from his face. I sat on the ledge of the barrier at the side of the freeway and I called Ren.

“Can you come to the hospital? I think my leg might be broken and…” my voice shook as I pleaded with him. Hours later, after finally being released from the hospital and taken back to her house, he arrived and took me home.

The accident was the beginning of the end for me and Kylo Ren. Our relationship wouldn’t survive another 6 months but it took me almost a year to recognize that the 4 years I spent trying to relate to him would have been better suited as years alone.

“Babe – what do you think about this dress? Or that one?” I said pointing to my open laptop.

“You’re not sexy – those dresses look good on the models because they’re sexy. Why don’t you work on losing weight first?” Ren blurted out.

I wanted to love Ren but I knew I didn’t but even more than that, there were times that I wanted Ren to love me because if I could win him over, then maybe I would feel something.

During the last diet I went on, I was restricted to 500 calories. I lost 40 lbs in just 30 days right in time for my birthday. That day I went to Torrid and bought a size 1 dress which I remember feeling really proud to wear because it was the first bodycon dress I had ever worn. I spent the day preparing for what I thought would be an incredible evening with Ren. I had my hair done and eyelash extensions. I sent my best friend selfies and I felt like I looked the best I had ever looked.

“Babe! Hurry in! I weighed myself today and I’m down 40lbs officially!” I nearly shouted as Ren walked toward my open apartment door.

“Really? It doesn’t look like you’ve lost any weight. Are you sure?” He said with a frown.

I was never going to be good enough for him. Realizing that was like flipping a switch and I stopped trying to lose weight. After gaining all of the weight I had lost and more, I promised myself I would never go on another diet again. This promise sparked a personal rebellion. For the first time in my life, my 5’4 body weighed more than 300lbs yet when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone beautiful, capable and strong.

I started this blog as an extension of that rebellion in 2015 and I never looked back. In that year, I said goodbye to things and people that were weighing me down and as that happened, the weight started to fall off naturally. (Read more about that here)

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to tell that girl she didn’t have to take abuse from a partner but I can’t do that so I’m sharing my story with all of you in hopes that if you or anyone you know is going through this, you can get out.

There are resources that can help: Hotline, Day One

What would you tell your younger self?